I would like to express how touched I was that
so many of you took the time to read my blog post. It was overwhelming and
unexpected and I thank you all. It meant something to know people wanted to
hear me.
I didn’t expect there to be such a long hiatus,
which just goes to show that there is a lot more to the healing process than
you think. I’ve learned that things don’t always go as planned, people change
and you change. You know what? It’s all for the better. It’s been a series of
highs and lows since I last posted.
I plan on using this space to write whatever I
feel like talking about, including topical things such as mental health issues.
Mental health should be a topic which we are comfortable with because only by
learning about it will we accept its prominence and help each other out. We are
so caught up in social media, I think we forget about the real things that
matter and count. A “like” is considered a form of support, and while we all
love getting “likes” is it more about showing off how supported you are? Or
does it actually have some sincerity attached?
What are the deciding factors to whether we “like” something or not? Is
it pity, admiration or just an automatic response?
I didn’t expect to take two steps forward,
only to take three steps back. I let that wall down, and it came in like a
flood. I became depressed like never before and it felt like everyone expected
me to be healed and reborn. My anxiety started to affect me physically;
uncontrollable shakes, irregular breathing, insomnia, etc. I couldn’t control
it anymore. When things like this take effect, you see who is really there for
you and who sees the change and helps you. It helps when others around you
notice you’re suffering, that it’s not all in your head. The best thing you can
do as a friend is be there, even when you don’t know what to say or do. The
best thing you can do if you have a friend that is suffering is to not shut
them out because it isn’t you they’re ignoring. The best thing you can do is
not leave your friend behind, not expect them to change or pretend to be okay.
We can all be avoidant creatures; we all have our own faults and problems, but we
can’t leave each other behind. That is far more damaging, more than some people
can understand or comprehend.
Asking for help is the first step. I went to
my doctor and he referred me to a psychiatrist, who turned out to be the most
pig headed, rude, and horrible doctor I had ever come across. He made me feel
like I was fabricating my symptoms. I didn’t feel safe there at all. We all
have the right to feel safe. I was horrified to think that this is our mental
health system, but it makes sense why people don’t get the help they need. Some
people might not give it a second chance like I did. The mental health care is
disgraceful, and for the doctor to make me believe I was not “sad” enough by
his standards is the very reason we have this uninitiated and negative culture
towards mental health. You can’t rank what others experience. I’m glad to say
he isn’t working there anymore, and rightly so.
After seeing another doctor, I was prescribed
antidepressants. I felt uninhibited despite what people might see on the
outside. I am not ashamed to say I’m on medication that helps me in this part of my life. Like I said
previously, I am not diseased, I am not dying, but I am doing what I can to
survive. There is a stigma around taking such medications and there shouldn’t
be. Especially if you feel like it is a considerable difference between living
and not living. I used to think medication was unnecessary and you could do
anything you put your mind to with a combination of a healthy lifestyle and
diet, but I’ve come to realise that every situation is different and there are
an infinity of factors. Sometimes, you need an extra help, and that is okay.
Despite all of the negative affects it had on
me to be open about the rape, I don’t regret it. You have to let the pain in
and feel it. If you can’t find the words to express yourself, I believe you
have to go it alone sometimes. All the friends, support systems, relationships
help put the pieces together only so far, and sometimes the rest of pieces can
only be put back together by you. We are always in such a rush to do this and do
that, I’m particularly guilty for living in the fast lane because I was always
trying to get to what I hoped would be a better part of
life. Sometimes you have to accept that you’re in this alone and it is a slow process.
Only when you’re truly alone with yourself,
will you be able to breathe in the pain and let it out. You’ll be able to face
all those demons. It’ll be intimidating to feel the strange moment of peace. I
don’t think we are familiar with that, with not feeling like you’re in a
moderate state of chaos. It’s going to be overwhelming and you’re going to
truly realise the damage and the time you need. You can't distract yourself
forever.
So I’m taking this time because it’s okay not
to be okay still.
Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
